There are facts and truths that "sexual libertarians" don't want society or public opinion to know, that even they don't want to know. To sum up those facts - accumulated in different human cultures and societies - we don't need sex to live a full life and be content. To define one's identity on the basis of our sexuality alone is to reduce our human value and dignity. I am a lot more than just my genitalia, and so are you. G.S.
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My purpose in these posts is to bring together significant and, where possible, representative echoes of our best human efforts to make sense of our lives - and of our human sexuality in particular - also including the voice of Jesus Christ, the one Saviour of the world, and testimonies from his Church, such as through her teaching voice, the Magisterium. The Church has been accumulating much valuable wisdom granted her by Almighty God since her foundation at Pentecost. In this way, wherever there is darkness in our human understanding, it will serve to highlight the bright and radiant truth, which is Jesus Christ: "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also." John's Gospel 14:6-7
Father Gilles Surprenant, priest & poustinik
(1) Can the Catholic Church help an addicted generation?
(2) Young, white Americans are addicted to this (what RCs should do about it)
(3) Trapped? Use the Right Timing to Break Free
(4) Does More Sex Cure Sex Addiction?
(5) WILLPOWER IS NOT ENOUGH
(6) You Don't Have to Be A Hermit to Break Free
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Can the Catholic Church help an addicted generation? By Mary Rezac Greenwich, Connecticut, Jun 8, 2017
Young Americans are
dying at a rate not seen since the Vietnam War. But they are not dying in
combat - they’re dying of the effects of drug overdoses, alcoholism, mental
illness and suicide, at a rate 200 percent higher than the 1980s in much of the
United States. A recent report from the U.S. surgeon general estimates
that more than 27 million Americans have problems with prescription drugs,
illegal drugs or alcohol. But just a fraction of those people, only 10 percent,
get meaningful help.
And it’s not just substance
addictions that are on the rise. Process addictions, related to behaviors, have
also seen recent spikes. Pornography addiction in particular has reached what
some view as crisis levels. A 2011 study by the National Center for
Biotechnology Information estimated that roughly 47 percent of
all American adults struggle with at least one of the 11 most common forms of
process or substance addictions.
The prevalence of all
kinds of addiction likely mean that most people in the pews of a Catholic
Church on any given Sunday have experienced addiction in themselves or in a
loved one. So what is the Church doing to address the problem?
Understanding
addiction
Dr. Gregory Bottaro is a
clinical psychologist and the founder and director of Catholic
Psych Institute
in Connecticut. He frequently sees clients who are dealing with either
substance or process addictions. Part of the problem of addiction is a
widespread misunderstanding of addiction as a lack of intellectual or spiritual
willpower, Dr. Bottaro said. “You have to recognize that there is an actual
brain disease in effect,” he told CNA.
“So as much as you can
sit and talk through the issues, you’re dealing with real brain chemicals that
are out of balance, and a real disease that has occurred in the brain, so
approaching it from a number of different angles is very important.” Behaviors
or substance abuse have to reach certain diagnostic marks to be considered
addictions, Dr. Bottaro said. Generally, an addiction is occurring when a
person is compulsively dependent on a substance or behavior, and continues to
do it despite negative consequences and a desire to stop.
And just like addicted
individuals can build up tolerances to substances and require more to achieve
the same effect, process addictions also show tolerance buildups, such as when
a pornography addict requires more hardcore viewing to achieve the same
release.
Erik Vagenius is the
founder of Substance Abuse Ministry Scripts, or SAM Scripts, a faith and
scripture based ministry designed to help ease the process from recognition of
addiction to seeking professional help. Vagenius, who has been involved in
addiction ministry for decades and is a recovered alcoholic himself, said that
the first step to solving the problem is recognizing that there is one.
“I firmly believe so
much for this (ministry) to be part of the church,” he told CNA. “(T)o have a
church community that recognizes that they’re behind you, just as they would be
if somebody had cancer, helps to destigmatize this thing.”
“Unfortunately the
reactions I sometimes get are well, this isn’t really a Catholic problem. But
I’ll bet everybody in the pew on any given day has had some relationship with
the disease of addiction,” he added.
What
does faith have to do with it?
Faith has long been a
tenet of many addiction recovery programs. One of the most popular, Alcoholics
Anonymous has strong Christian roots because it’s co-founder, Bill Wilson, had
a spiritual awakening after he was hospitalized for his drinking in 1934. He
joined the Oxford Group, a nondenominational Christian movement popular in the
U.S. and Europe at the time, and helped found AA in 1935.
The AA tenets of
self-examination, acknowledgment of character defects and restitution for harm
done to others grew out of Oxford Group teachings. Today, allegiance to a
specific creed is not required for membership, though the group still considers
itself a spiritual, albeit denominationally non-preferential group. Four of the
12 steps in the AA program mention God directly, and the 12th calls for a
"spiritual awakening as a result of these steps." Vagenius also
considers addiction a spiritual battle.
“We’re dealing with a
spiritual disease, and that’s why the Church needs to be involved with it,” he
said. The website for SAM Scripts recognizes that
“addiction is a spiritual illness that disconnects a person: from self, loved
ones, and God. SAM's mission is to help these individuals reconnect through
education, prevention, referral, and family support.” Dr. Bottaro said he also
incorporates faith in his recovery programs for addicts. He said he was
especially inspired after hearing a talk by Catholic speaker Christopher West,
who specializes in Theology of the Body. “He said basically we have this
desire, and our desires are insatiable. So God made us with this desire for
more more more, and with that desire we can do one of three things...we can
become a stoic, and addict or a mystic.”
A stoic ignores the
desire or tries to repress it and pretend it doesn’t exist. An addict tries to
fulfill their desires with the things of this world, and a mystic “directs
their desires towards God, and that’s where we enter into that mysticism by
transcending the finitude of this life,” he said.
That’s still an abstract
way of looking at a very real disease, Dr. Bottaro said. However, there are
several Catholic programs that offer concrete assistance to struggling addicts
of all levels.
Catholic
recovery programs
On the less intensive
side, Dr. Bottaro has developed an 8-week online program that anyone can access
from home called Catholic Mindfulness.
It adds the Catholic understanding of abandonment to Divine Providence to a
traditional mindfulness approach to healing.
“If you look into what
mindfulness is, you’re basically training your brain to know that you’re safe,
because the anxiety response is how God made us to react to danger,” he said.
“The problem is we overuse that...we activate our anxiety response, but most of
the time we’re not actually in danger. So mindfulness is basically paying
attention to what’s actually real right now to convince your brain that you’re
safe, and that corrects the brain chemistry.”
“The Catholic
perspective as to why we’re safe is that we have a Father who loves us and who
always keeps us in his hands, and we have a reason to trust that everything is
going to be ok.” Vagenius refers to those in his ministry as “SAM teams” who
share their time and talent, typically through talks and meetings, to offering
hope, healing and reconciliation to those touched by addiction. SAM teams provide
a safe, confidential place for people to seek help and referral at the parish
level.
Team members do not have
to be in recovery but need to be acquainted with addiction, and must be
approved by their pastor.
The ministry’s exact
format varies from parish to parish, depending on those involved and the needs
of the faith community. Vagenius’ trainings provide a basic format, and the
parish SAM team develops its own dynamic from that outline based on specific
needs. Depending on the person, more intensive work may be necessary, including
outpatient psychotherapy and group counseling, or even residential programs.
St. Gregory Retreat
Center is a Catholic residential program for adults struggling with substance
abuse located in Adair, Iowa.
The program offers
separate residential facilities for men and women and offers a “holistic
approach that combines the very best research in psychology, health, social
support, and other methodologies.”
The program targets
addiction behavior in four different aspects of life: biological,
psychological, social, and spiritual.
Besides counseling,
social activities and physical exercise, daily Mass and regular access to the
sacraments are part of the residents’ normal routine. Natalie Cataldo, Director
of Admissions at St. Gregory, told CNA that incorporating spirituality in the
recovery process has proven to be very effective. “Research shows that people
are more successful in overcoming addiction when they have an active
spirituality in their lives,” she told CNA in an e-mail interview.
“Most people who come to
us have had not a great past. With the sacrament of reconciliation, our guests
are able to ask for forgiveness... Allowing them to feel like they are getting
rid of the past, making new good habits for the future that they can start
using and making better choices. It also allows for self reflection and
self evaluation.”
For those in
post-recovery, there are programs available to help ease people back into their
normal routine.
Dr. Bottaro works at one
such facility, Ender’s Island in Connecticut, a residential program for young
men “with or without faith” who are recently out of recovery. The program
provides a community in which to practice the 12 steps and support for a better
transition into regular life, as well as daily Mass and regular access to the
sacraments.
The biggest barriers to
seeking help for addiction can be denial on the part of the individual and a
perceived stigma in seeking help. Increased education and understanding from
everyone in the Church can help break these barriers, Dr. Bottaro said.
“It’s important to have
support and understanding that there are other ways to fight these battles than
just prayer, or just kind of sucking it up and hanging in there and seeing how
far you can go before you get help,” he said.
“Once you’re looking for help, there’s a wide spectrum.”
This
article was originally published on CNA Dec. 16, 2016.
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Young, white Americans are addicted to this (what RCs should do about it)
Joan
Frawley Desmond Providence, R.I., Feb 9, 2016
New GuidelinesWhen recent headlines marked
a spike in drug overdoses for white, middle-class Americans, the news saddened
but did not surprise Deacon Timothy Flanigan, an HIV specialist at Brown
University medical school in Providence, R.I. Beyond the classroom, Flanigan
has directed the HIV care program at the Rhode Island state prison for two
decades. He knows better than most Americans that no group is immune from the
ravages of drug addiction and that controversial medical protocols for treating
pain have brought this scourge to bedrock communities as well as inner-city
neighborhoods.
“Many of my old patients have died of drug overdoses,” said Deacon Flanigan, a
physician and a professor of medicine and of health services, policy and
practice at Brown’s Warren Alpert Medical School. “Opioid addiction is very
common in Rhode Island, where more young persons die of opioid addiction than
car accidents,” Dr. Flanigan told the Register, as he somberly recounted a
story of one patient who was slated to speak at an international AIDS
conference but was found dead in a dumpster a week before the event. “She died
of a drug overdose, like so many other people who are abandoned in alleyways to
die alone. It is so tragic for the patients and their families.” That haunting
story is hardly an isolated case. The nation is struggling with a new wave of
drug addiction that is hitting all sectors of society, but especially young
whites.
While drug abuse has plagued poor urban areas for decades, this new development
has been partly fueled by prescription painkillers, like OxyContin, that pack
highly addictive opioids. The prescription drugs are used to treat acute and
chronic pain, and when patients become addicted, they may eventually switch to
street heroin, which is less expensive and easier to secure, at least for the
young. Deacon Flanigan confirmed that the recent surge in overdoses among young
whites have been linked to controversial medical guidelines that called for a
more aggressive approach to treating both acute and chronic pain.
In 2013, the Food and
Drug Administration reacted to the increase in deaths from drug overdoses by
announcing new guidelines that restricted prescriptions for OxyContin and
similar drugs. While these drugs had been recommended for patients with
“moderate to severe” pain, the FDA now stipulates that they should be
“reserved” for patients “for whom alternative treatment options are
ineffective, not tolerated or would be otherwise inadequate to provide
sufficient management of pain.”
The news of the spate of drug overdoses among the middle class has helped to
spark a reassessment of federal policies that sent many drug offenders to
prison, rather than into treatment programs. Meanwhile, proposed federal
legislation, like the Comprehensive Addiction and Recovery
Act,
seeks to broaden and promote access to drug-treatment services It may be too
soon to say whether the FDA’s tougher guidelines will have an impact on medical
practices, but the surge of white deaths caused by drug overdoses has yet to
abate.
“Death rates for black and Hispanic adults have fallen since 1999, but have
increased for whites, particularly women and young adults. The rise in deaths
has been largely driven by drug overdoses,” stated a Jan. 16 article in
The New York Times that summarized the paper’s analysis of 60 million death
certificates collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
between 1999 and 2014. “For young non-Hispanic whites, the death rate from
accidental poisoning — which is mostly drug overdoses — rose to 30 per 100,000
from six over the years 1999 to 2014, and the suicide rate rose to 19.5 per
100,000 from 15,” the article also noted.
Different From the ’70s
Andrew Kolodny, a senior
scientist at the Heller School for Social Policy and Management at Brandeis
University, contrasted the heroin epidemic of the 1970s with the present
crisis. “The previous crisis affected poor, non-white communities,” Kolodny
told the Register. “Users started very young and put a needle in their arms to
inject the drug. Typically, they were juvenile delin-quents, and it was part of
the culture.” Kolodny also serves as the chief medical officer for Phoenix
House Foundation, which offers a therapeutic community model for treating drug
and alcohol addiction. And he noted that decades earlier Phoenix House was
“focused on working with folks who had no structure in their lives” and
suffered from the failing schools in their community.
“Today, when you look at young people who are heroin users, they [did not start
off as] juvenile delinquents. They were the star of the sports team; they were
headed to college.” Kolodny places much of blame for the present surge in drug
addiction on physicians overprescribing painkillers like OxyContin, a practice
that began more than a decade ago. Many patients who are prescribed OxyContin
don’t realize the drug is an opioid. And that means, according to Kolodny, its
effect on the brain is virtually indistinguishable from heroin. “If you
repeatedly use a highly addictive drug, you can easily get addicted, especially
if you are young,” he said. Asked to explain why prescription painkillers have
had a greater impact on young whites, Kolodny argued that many physicians had
accepted societal stereotypes that presented minority groups as more likely to
become drug addicted, so the medical community was more cautious about
prescribing such drugs to black and Hispanic patients.
Cheryl’s
Story
But while some patients get hooked on drugs prescribed to address legitimate
medical needs, others develop an addiction by experimenting with painkillers
shared by their friends or bought on the black market. Cheryl Chou, 31, a
graduate of a small Jesuit college, was given painkillers by her roommate.
Struggling with unresolved issues of childhood abandonment and abuse, the
high-achieving student found the medication helped to anesthetize her emotions.
“I had broken up with a boyfriend because he was using weed. But my roommate
told me, ‘OxyContin is not illegal — doctors give it to you when you get your
teeth pulled,’” Chou told the Register. Within three months, Chou was stealing
from her roommate’s stash of painkillers. “The moment I found my drug of choice
I felt instant relief. I was no longer terrified all the time and didn’t worry
about what people thought of me.
“I checked out: No problems were running through my head.” The drug use
continued after Chou started her accounting job, and, over time, she headed on
a downward spiral, as she began experimenting with other drugs. Visits to
emergency rooms, stints in drug-rehabilitation programs, job loss, suicide
attempts and homelessness followed. The lowest point came when the young woman
found herself “sitting outside of the police department, hoping God would have
someone arrest me. “I realized this would be the rest of my life — burning
bridges every day and starting over the following day.” Her prayer was
answered: Chou was arrested and eventually served time in Marin County Jail
north of San Francisco.
In 2014, she got her life back on track after she was released from Marin
County Jail and was accepted to Catherine Center, a restorative-justice
program for women like her who have served time for drug convictions and
related offenses. Sponsored by St. Vincent de Paul Society of San Mateo,
Calif., in alliance with the Sisters of Mercy West Midwest, Catherine Center
takes no government funds so it can provide a comprehensive faith-based program
for women who face daunting challenges as they prepare to re-enter society and
commit to staying clean and sober.
Over the past year and a half, Chou has participated in a 12-step program, made
restitution, received counseling and taken part in structured spiritual
reflection and prayer. More recently, she has mentored new arrivals to the
program, as she holds a job and hones the skills she will need this fall, when
she begins a program to earn a master's degree in business administration. But
she believes the spiritual transformation she has undergone at Catherine
Center, where she learned to hand over to God all the anxieties that have
shadowed her life, is equally important. People dealing with addiction need
“constant help and accompaniment to help them remember that God loves them.
They will encounter suffering, but they don’t walk alone,” Lorraine Moriarty,
the executive director of St. Vincent de Paul Society of San Mateo, told the
Register.
Other Factors
As Moriarty sees it, the recent epidemic of drug addiction can only be partly
explained by the overuse of addictive painkillers. Other factors include a
plague of loneliness and social isolation and the furious “pace” of modern life
that fosters deep anxiety and leads some to treat emotional wounds with drugs.
Sociologists who have researched the broader social context of the nation’s new
drug crisis confirm Moriarty’s judgment. “Stressors such as poverty, divorce
and economic insecurity are playing a role in people’s response” to the seductive
appeal of drug use, Mark Hayward, a professor of sociology at the University of
Texas at Austin, told the Register.
As economic changes erode manufacturing jobs that once supported an entire
family, the sharp rise in mortality rates for whites underscore the fact that
in recent years “this group has lost more than other groups in society,” said
Haywood, yet their struggles have received little attention. Whites who do not
finish high school are much more likely to die from a drug overdose than college
graduates, according to data published in this month’s New York Times story.
But this same demographic, the influential sociologist and best-selling author
Charles Murray has pointed out earlier,
is also less likely to marry, attend church or take part in other forms of
civic engagement, and that leaves them more vulnerable to the ravages of drug
addiction.
“The breakdown of the family and declining rates of marriage today
disproportionately impacts lower-income individuals and those with less
education,” agreed Dr. Aaron Kheriaty, a psychiatrist at the University of
California-Irvine Medical Center, who noted the intertwined rise in drug
overdoses and suicides. Kheriaty is a Catholic and has worked closely with the
Diocese of Orange on mental-health initiatives. So when asked for suggestions
on how local parishes should respond to the crisis, he pointed to “the corporal
and spiritual works of mercy that have always had a central place in Catholic
life.”
A Catholic Response
Back in Providence, Deacon Flanigan identifies another factor that breeds drug
dependency in 21st-century America: a culture of consumerism that encourages
people to believe they have a right to “feel good.” “There is an existential
crisis in our culture: We see this more clearly among our youth, but it affects
all ages. I am speaking as a doctor and a deacon,” he said. “Society is so good
at promoting consumerism, and we are told, ‘Do what makes you feel good.’ And
it really does feel good to go shopping and get a hotshot car and have a really
great alcoholic drink.” Yet the “false promise” of consumerism, he noted, leads
people away from the path of a challenging, but ultimately fulfilling, life
rooted in self-sacrifice for the sake of loved ones and to sustain the common
good. His words echo Pope Francis’ critique of the West’s “throwaway culture”
and his call for the Church to be a “field hospital” for sinners. Thus, while
experts seek further restrictions on the use of drugs like OxyContin, and
Catholic agencies work to expand access to treatment programs, Flanigan also
wants to see more parishes acknowledge the reality of drug abuse and offer
12-step programs for Catholics and others in the community. If the Church
admits there is a problem, he suggested, it will encourage individuals and
families who often struggle alone, too filled with shame to ask for help.
“The clientele for your
12-step meeting may not be the same as the clientele for your parish finance
committee — though there may be overlap, and you don’t know it,” he said. “We
need to address the reality of drug addiction and tell those who are dealing
with it that we are there to help them get the help they need.”
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RESOURCES AT: Reclaim God's Plan for Sexual Health
Trapped? Use the Right Timing to Break Free
BY THE RECLAIM SEXUAL HEALTH TEAM - #R010
Sexuality is an important part of our lives. Throughout the world, individuals choose to express their sexual energies in a variety of ways. For many people, the sexual outlets they pursue can become a major disruption in their lives and get in the way of enjoying committed, fulfilling relationships.
These sexual outlets can include things like hooking up and one-night-stands; phone sex, sexual chat rooms, masturbation, prostitutes, many different forms of pornography; strip clubs, massage parlors and many more. Frustrated and unhappy with the results of their sexual behaviors, many get to the place where they realize, "This just isn't working for me any more." So, they try to stop the behavior, but too often discover that they can't. No matter how hard they try, they keep going back to the same sexual outlets, even though doing so is messing up their lives and their relationships.
Why is it so hard to break out of unwanted sexual behaviors and outlets? Shouldn't it just be a matter of deciding, "I'm not going to do that any more" and stop? Unfortunately, it's rarely that simple. Dr. Page Bailey's illustration of "The Funnel of Sexual Process" helps explain why breaking out of negative sexual habits can be so difficult.
Imagine in your mind an hourglass, wide at the top and slowly narrowing down to a very small passage- way in the center and then back to a wide opening at the bottom. This is a perfect illustration of how the brain behaves in sexual process. As people go along in everyday life, their brains have a relatively wide perspective taking in all of the people and things around them. Once an individual becomes sexually aroused, however, the brain immediately begins to narrow its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals.
The word endorphin is derived from two words—"Endogenous" meaning produced from within, and "morphine" a powerful pain-killer. So, in the funnel of sexual process, thebrain and nervous system release its own natural pain killers.
In addition, it also releases other powerful neuro-chemicals like dopamine—the body's pleasure chemical. In the funnel, stress and pain are blocked out and at the same time, the individual feels enormous pleasure. The further the person heads down into the funnel, the more narrow their focus. The logic centers of the brain shut down and the pleasure centers take over. And the pleasure center of the brain has only one absolute goal—climax. On the way there, the person blocks out the world and all distractions.
In a healthy relationship, this narrowing process causes the couple to narrowly focus on each other and enjoy the pleasure together. However, when we enter the funnel is entered through any number of sexual outlets outside a one man/one woman marriage relationship, the narrow focus is on self and getting one’s own rush or high as a pleasure outlet or on escaping from the stresses of life—just like any other drug. The trouble is, because the pleasure center of the brain is in complete control, all thoughts of logic, values, consequences, self-control, and future goals are blocked out.
After climax, the individual emerge from the narrowest part of the funnel. The Logic center of the brain regains control, and the struggling person often realizes that they have given in yet again, and experience powerful feelings of frustration, loneliness, and depression. At this point the person often feels the greatest motivation to get the help they need to break out of their unwanted sexual behaviors. However, the negative feelings can soon dissipate along with the determination to get help as the person gets back into the routine of life, and they can miss the chance to get on the path to breaking free.
Another way to look at this cycle . . . The Avoidance Cycle
When it comes to bad habits and addictions, people typically use one primary strategy in their attempt to break free—avoidance through willpower. When they feel an urge to indulge in unwanted sexual outlets, most individuals who are trying to break free of the behavior, attempt to force the thought or urge out of their mind and avoid the situation. All of us have heard the traditional advice, "You just need to try harder." This is the worst advice there is because it usually plunges the struggling individual into what we call the Avoidance Cycle.
What happens when you try to force a thought out of your mind? For instance, right now I don't want you to think about a big, bright, yellow school bus. No matter what, DO NOT think about that bus! Of course, the more you try to fight and keep the image out of your mind, the more it forces its way in. In psychology we call this an intrusive thought. Continually attempting to force the same intrusive thoughts, urges, or feelings out of one’s mind can hopelessly plunge individual into the Avoidance Cycle.
In the Avoidance Cycle, the struggling individual fights the sexual thoughts and urges and does everything to resist them. But they just continue nagging at the person and trying to force their way in. Often, worn out from the constant battle, the individual gives in and indulges in the same old sexual outlets. Temporarily, they feel relief because they don’t have to fight the urges anymore. But once the rush is over, all of the negative emotions set in. The person often thn makes a new vow—"That's the last time I will ever do that!" but heads into the Avoidance Cycle again! After years of being trapped in this cycle, many people simply resolve themselves to their sexual habits— "Why bother trying. I'm never going to get past this. I might as well just give in and stop fighting."
However, the best time to take action and get help with your unwanted sexual behaviors is after you have indulged and you're feeling the emotional fallout. Use these negative emotions to your advantage—use them to motivate you to get the help you need and start changing your life and relationships for the better!
SIGN UP FOR THE RECLAIM SEXUAL HEALTH ONLINE RECOVERY PROGRAM! www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com
#R010
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Does More Sex Cure Sex Addiction?
BY RECLAIM TEAM - #R001
Many believe that fantastic, unlimited sex with their spouse would cure their sexual addiction. These individuals are often confused and deeply disappointed when they learn that this approach doesn't work.
Sex addiction is about much more than physical intimacy. Illicit sexual outlets trigger a literal chemical dependency in the brain. Sexual pursuits become a drug-of-choice for self-medication and escape from the stress, pressures, and challenges of life. Just as more sex will not cure a substance abuse addiction, it's not going to heal the chemical dependency created by sexual addiction.
You can regain a close, committed, joyful relationship with your spouse, and break free from unhealthy sexual behaviors.
Many individuals who are struggling with the following statements are also struggling in their own personal relationships. They are finding that sex addiction is creating a divisive wedge in their intimate, committed relationships with destructive consequences. They thought that fantastic, unlimited sex with their spouse would cure their sexual addiction, and are often confused and deeply disappointed when this approach doesn't work.
"Once I get married I won't have a sex addiction problem anymore!"
"Now that I am having sex with the one I love I won't need my old sexual outlets."
"Why do I still look at pornography? I'm getting all the sex I need."
“The sex in my relationship isn't enough, nor what I thought it would be. I still have to seek other ways to have my sexual needs met. I thought this would stop."
"I'm not good enough, is that it? Why does he have to look at pornography anyway? Why?"
"Sex is never good enough for him. He always wants more or something different—what more can I do?"
"When we make love is he thinking about them or me? Who is he having sex with anyway?"
Many men are introduced to pornography and other sexual outlets at an early age. Some had their first exposure as young as age two or three! Unfortunately, when these powerful images and practices enter the highly impressionable, developing brain of a child or teenager, addiction is often the result. They grow up with mistaken beliefs that once they enter adulthood and a committed relationship, their fascination with various sexual outlets will cease. What they fail to understand is that sex addiction is literally a "brain chemical" addiction, in many ways identical to a street drug addiction. Someone hooked on cocaine as a teenager, would not reasonably expect to automatically lose that desire or dependency simply because they reach legal age. Likewise, sex addiction does not magically disappear with adulthood.
Sex Addiction Is Not About Sex
But what about sex? Why would someone continue seeking out pornography, masturbation, and other sexual outlets when they can have sex with their partner? Why would they still have the need? Think of it this way—would having sex eliminate a cocaine addict's desire for their drug? Of course not, because cocaine addiction is not about sex. The same principle applies to sexual addiction. Most people are completely unaware that "sex addiction is NOT about sex." Porn, masturbation, and many other sexual outlets and pursuits create a literal chemical dependency in the brain. The individual uses these outlets as a "drug-of-choice" to escape and "self-medicate" in response to any number of pressures, difficulties, needs, or situations in his life. Having sex is not going to heal a chemical addiction. Sex addiction is about the chemical dependency.
You Can Fool Yourself, But You Can't Fool Your Spouse
It is true that sex can sometimes temporarily reduce the perceived need for pornography and other sexual outlets. However, when one's partner is simply a replacement for addiction, she can usually sense the façade. As the wife of one of the RECLAiM Online Recovery Program students said: "I feel he's just using me to masturbate.
We're not connected." Sexual intimacy doesn't replace or stop sexual addiction. The sex addiction behaviors will create problems in the relationship. And soon, sex with one partner isn't sufficient to meet
the "brain chemical" needs of the addict.
If you're struggling under the burden of porn, masturbation, and other sexual addiction behaviors, be careful not to fool yourself into thinking that if your partner were more sexually exciting and responsive, your problem would be solved. This makes about as much sense as believing sex would eliminate a drinking problem. You have to do the work of treating your addiction—get on the recovery path and put in the time and effort to address the "real" underlying issues and causes of your sexual addiction.
Sex Addiction Can Be Healed
The RECLAiM online recovery program can help you learn about the true nature of your addiction and the steps you must take to start moving toward your freedom. You can break free and you can have a close, committed, wonderful relationship with your spouse. But you can't expect that person to rescue you from the work of recovery, or magically make your struggles go away. They can encourage, support, and walk with you, but only you can make the commitment and get started.
Get Anonymous Help Today
Many who struggle with pornography use don’t get help because they fear the consequences of those close to them finding out their “secret.” We have purposely designed the RECLAIM online recovery program to be completely private and anonymous.
When you're ready, the RECLAiM Online Recovery Program has the training, tools, coaching, and support you need. Sign up today at www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com and begin recovery now!
SIGN UP FOR THE RECLAIM SEXUAL HEALTH ONLINE RECOVERY PROGRAM! www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com
#R001
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WILLPOWER IS NOT ENOUGH
BY THE RECLAIM TEAM - #R011
Common advice to those struggling with pornography use, masturbation, or other unhealthy sexual behaviors is, "You just need to try harder!" Those who struggle with pornography use and other unwanted sexual behaviors, have often tried hard to overcome their addiction countless times, only to fall right back into it each time.
Why does this happen over and over again? It's not because those with these struggles are weak, evil, or a lost cause. It's because these specific ways of thinking and behaving that have developed over time through repetition and have become habit.
An Addiction is a Habit on Steroids
Pornography use and masturbation often begin as a simple experience of stimulation and reward. But through repetition and the rewiring of the brain that happens, the reward circuits of the brain can become habitual to this behavior. Once it has become a habit, it can escalate into problematic behavior quite quickly and it can end up with what our culture calls an “addiction.”
Habit formation is the brain's number one priority. Why? Because the brain's watchword is efficiency, and the most effective way to be efficient is through the formation of habits. This is what the brain seeks—to focus its energy and attention on mastering a skill and, as quickly as possible, make it automatic—a habit. The brain can then move on to direct its efforts at learning and mastering the next skill.
While the brain's habit-formation power is a remarkable gift, it can also make it incredibly difficult to break out of old habits—especially highly advanced habits like "addictions." Once a person’s brain expends the time and energy to develop a habit, whether it's good or bad, it doesn't want to give it up!
If, hundreds or thousands of times, an individual has "practiced" turning to pornography and other sexual behaviors as the most convenient, powerful, and efficient way of instantly escaping boredom, stress, loneliness, and the pressures of life, these outlets become the person’s automatic, dominant "drug of choice." Consistently practicing turning to a particular drug of choice makes that choice automatic—an addiction.
Over time, pornography viewing rewires the brain circuitry and shackles a person in addiction. However, there is great hope! The brain is "neuroplastic" which means it can be shaped, molded, and changed. You do not have to be stuck with your old addiction circuitry! A deliberate action will be needed to break the habit, as well as ongoing practice to retrain the brain will be needed if you are to change. Eventually the brain can rewire itself and create a new, healthier automatic response. It isn’t easy, but it can be done. Have hope in the fact that the brain is highly adaptable. To change your behavior, you need to change your brain. If you work with it rather than against it you will have a better chance of breaking the habitual behaviors. The brain is very adaptable, so the phrase “once an addict, always an addict” simply is NOT TRUE!
Stop Fighting What Your Brain Does Naturally!
If you've tried:
• sheer willpower,
• hyper-avoidance
• complete abstinence,
• running away in fear,
• giving in or
• a host of other techniques
and none of them have worked, you've likely been fighting against the natural current of your brain. Instead, why not "go with the flow" and harness the power of your brain's marvelous habit-formation abilities?
Everything you need to break free is already built into the very structure of your brain. Harnessing and redirecting the brain's natural habit-creating tendencies using RECLAiM's specific tools and exercises can help you break free.
Remember, porn addiction is a specific way of thinking and behaving that has developed over time through repetition. Fighting your addiction only makes it worse because your brain is designed to hold on to what it has already learned. Instead of going to war with your thoughts and urges, you can learn to work with your brain's natural built-in mechanisms for positive change. The RECLAiM resources and the RECLAiM Online Recovery Program can show you how!
TESTIMONIES — Participants wrote these messages to their program’s personal coach:
“Your program really works and it’s been a life-saver!”
Coach-
I have wanted to change for many years. In the past I have gone over the plan in my head to get this accomplished. I slipped up over and over again because I used denial and forced restraint. FRC has been the missing tool I needed. So far, all has gone extremely well. I have not been porn and masturbation free for this long ever (at least 45 years). I am so happy I found this online program before things got totally out of hand and before those close to me were hurt more. I feel I am back on the road to a “normal” life. I understand that I need to talk to someone about my dark side if for no other reason than to get it into the light and expose the ugliness and thus diminish the allure. I have confessed to priests in the past and will continue to do so. Also, I have a very close friend who knows but not to the extent it was controlling my life. However, this forum and the lessons has been the real answer to my prayers.
“Your program really works and it’s been a life-saver!”
Coach
Just wanted to let you know that the long slow development of brain-circuitry necessary to help me change habits which have been with me for almost 40 years (in regards to masturbation) and over 13 years (in regards to viewing pornography with some regularity) has been slowly happening. I’ve been practicing the program principles diligently for almost two years. Even though for a long time my calendar did not appear to show a dramatic reduction in patterns of unhealthy behavior, I still remained very hopeful that the building-blocks necessary for that change were actually going into place. Now, I’m finally experiencing the longer and longer periods of maintaining healthy habits. My relationships with everyone, including myself and my wife have noticeably improved. I’m getting stronger and have more and more ‘real-life’ successes – both in avoiding unhealthy behavior, as well as in engaging in lots of healthy and life-giving relationship and activities. I’m very hopeful and wanted to thank you for being there to help guide me through this process. Your program really works and it’s been a life-saver! I’m going to keep on practicing and advocating for myself. God bless your day.
SIGN UP FOR THE RECLAIM SEXUAL HEALTH ONLINE RECOVERY PROGRAM! www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com
#R011
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You Don't Have to Be A Hermit to Break Free
By the RECLAIM Team - Primary Contributor: Dr. Bernell Christensen - #R013
Everyone has a "sex drive"—it's God-given and normal to experience sexual thoughts and desires. In fact, this is the "the power to co-create life" and “bond” being manifest in us. This includes the power to co-create a human life, and to co-create the life of a marriage relationship.
Having sexual urges and desires in no way makes you a bad or perverted person! It's what you do with these urges—how you direct this power and this energy, that makes all the difference.
Sexuality is an urge, a desire, an appetite, and a want. It's not a need. It's not something we must have to sustain life. It's much like other wants we have. We may want chocolate, rich desserts, and other sweets, but we don't need them. If we overindulge in these types of foods, they become destructive. We have to use them in moderation and within normal, healthy boundaries.
There are also healthy limits and boundaries we should place around our sexual appetites. When we exer- cise our sexual desires responsibly within a healthy, committed, lifelong marriage relationship, we can experience our greatest happiness. If we don't restrain our sexual desires and activities, we can lose time, relationships, happiness, respect, employment, sleep, and contract terrible diseases— some that can even kill us! Controlling appetites is really not so unusual, we do it all the time with many things. It doesn't mean we don't have these desires, it just means we must direct, manage, limit, regulate, and use them wisely.
When attempting to overcome unwanted sexual behaviors, struggling individuals often feel great frustration in connection with their sex drive. They speak of years of gritting their teeth and clenching their fists in a fight to suppress sexual feelings. Unfortunately, they have completely misinterpreted the nature and purpose for these feelings.
When you feel sexual arousal, it doesn't have to be destructive. It's simply a creative power and energy that wants to be expressed in some way. How you choose to direct that energy fully determines whether its expression will bring you peace, joy and fulfillment, or disconnection, emptiness, and depression.
An example of trying to shut down sexual drive vs. directing it for incredible good, is the familiar image of a dam. If a dam's only purpose were to completely stop the flow of water, eventually the dam would overflow or burst. A dam's real purpose is to redirect water for a higher purpose.
When sexual drive—or creative energy—is felt, its highest purpose and best use can be to form powerful bonds, closeness and friendship between two human beings; create new life; and be redirected to contribute to the happiness and success of everyone around you.
The key is to direct it according to God’s plan. In a married relationship the sexual, creative energy can be directed to the marital embrace of intercourse when and if it is done with the purpose of bonding and openness to life. Outside of those boundaries, sexual drive must be channeled in ways that are appropriate.
For a variety of reasons even married couples must be abstinent for prolonged periods of time. When you feel a sexual urge, it is creative energy looking for a way to be expressed. If you're not with the right person and in the right setting, you don't have to go to war with the urge. You can direct it for good. Many people discover that abstinence offers an increased amount of energy, focus, and creativity. Spiritual growth, boundless levels of physical energy, and a strong mental focus can occur. Sex can become a distraction that takes away the energy to pursue great endeavors.
Releasing that energy through orgasm can become a quick release that tempers the drive to action in other areas of life. Our stimulation-seeking culture abuses sex by over-indulgence in it. Too many people are wasting their sexual energy. Looking at pornography on the internet and masturbating depletes sexual energy, wastes time, and causes a person to be isolated, unproductive, and weak. Sexual energy that is channeled into healthy outlets gives a person greater imagination, creativity, courage, willpower, persistence, and more. The sexual energy within us can be such a motivation that we are willing to sacrifice and even die for another. Imagine if you could harness your sexual energy and use it towards helping others, building relationships, and pursuing the greater good!
You can learn how to channel and redirect your sexual urges and energy to achieve what you want most out of life. You must learn how to use your sexual energy in a way that transforms it from physical expression to an emotional and spiritual purpose. If you can accept the sexual drive as just part of your nature and realize it is just part of who you are, you can rise above it. You can learn to control your sexual drive and not let it control you! Don’t deny it, run from it, or let it consume your life. Escaping or repressing sexuality isn’t going to work. Sexual energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed. Channel it into constructive activities according to your state in life, and what is appropriate. You will discover an increase in energy, focus, and inspiration.
Sexual energy can be transformed into acts of heroism. Some call it the “superpower” that motivates sacrifice and actions that can save an individual or the world. Sociologists are commenting on the decline of male strength and altruism. They often blame it on the readily available pornography leading to an increase of masturbation and depletion of sexual energy that is needed to reach beyond oneself to help others.
You can start overcoming your unwanted sexual behaviors and outlets. The RECLAiM program is designed to give you the training, resources, tools, and support you need to achieve this. Why not get started today?
SIGN UP FOR THE RECLAIM SEXUAL HEALTH ONLINE RECOVERY PROGRAM! www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com
#R013
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© 2006-2023 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal QC
© 2006-2023 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC
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